Hello friends. I’ve done it again… I’ve stopped writing. Life has been pretty hectic lately. Things are in a constant state of commotion lately, and I haven’t really stopped to just breathe. The past couple of weekends have been non-stop. I work all week so I end up saving everything I normally need to get done during the week for Saturday and Sunday. The worst is when I need to work on Saturday, then everything gets piled on Sunday. Last weekend I went out with great friends. We went to four different bars and by the end of the night, I was definitely feeling the alcohol. The next day was spent sleeping, going to play bingo (told a friend I’d go so I was keeping a promise), and sleeping some more. The day after that is when the hangover finally hit. I felt miserable. So again another day of doing nothing but busy work and resting.
On top of everything that went on… I haven’t even gotten to the gym in over 2 weeks. The first week I didn’t go, it was my TOM so I physically and emotionally didn’t want to be around people if I didn’t have to be. The day after it was done, I was moving product around at work, and ended up doing something to my Achilles. Going up and down the step ladder after a couple weeks running at the gym… My body was just tired and strained. So I didn’t go to the gym for another week. This past Thursday, I finally decided I needed to get it check out, because it wasn’t feeling any better yet. Went to my doctor and she kept throwing “tendinitis” around and told me she’s fairly positive I did in fact do something to it. She wrapped it and told me to “rest”. She did say I could still go to the gym and use the elliptical and stationary bike, but I’ve been so scared I’ll do something worse to it. Luckily a friend told me that I should be fine, so I’m hoping to get back there tomorrow.
The nurse on Thursday also had me take a depression test. Honestly, I knew deep down that I have some form of depression. It runs in my family, and lately I’ve just not been happy with how my life is going. There’s times where I’m starting to like who I’m becoming and what I’m doing and then something happens and it all just falls apart. For the past few months, I’ve been toying with the idea of going back to college. What I’m doing with my life right now is not making me happy. I’m going to be 26 in a couple months and I feel like I’ve made no progress and I’ve gotten no where. A lot of my day is spent dreaming. Dreaming of the life I could have had if I would have given a damn about myself in the past. I also dream about what life could be if I start caring right now. It’s not too late. I’m still young. A lot of it I think is the fear of failing. What happens if I decide to go back to college and I either can’t handle it or I end up hating what I’m doing, just like the last time? The same could be though, what if I succeed and I love it? Why does fear outweigh positive thinking? I wish I knew the answers, but I sadly don’t. Really though, does anyone hold the key to this mystery? When I got the results from the nurse, it came back as “mild depression”. I didn’t say anything to my dr. about it when she saw me, just because I thought, I don’t want there to be one more thing wrong with me. Talking to my best friend though, she told me not to be ashamed about it. I’m realizing more and more that I really shouldn’t be ashamed.
I’m sitting here today, thinking more about my dreams. Where I would love to see myself in the future and what I would be happy doing.