Fear.

So remember in my last post I said that I had some exciting news?! Yeah, well that was…

I had a first date yesterday.
Whoa! Say what?! Yeah! Does anyone else feel so awkward towards first dates? My Fitbit said I was up to 130 beats! Holy moly! I was definitely feeling all kinds of nerves…

I was a little nervous to even write a blog post on this topic today… Fear. The fear of failing. The fear of putting yourself out there into the unknown. Along with being a total hypochondriac, I am also a worry full, anxiety stricken, over thinking individual. When anything happens in my life, I analyze the crap out of it. When I started my weight loss journey for example, I sat and figured out all the ways I could fail. I could let myself down. What happens if I give up? What will people think of me? Honestly those thoughts could go on forever and ever… They really bring a person down. Luckily, I got past all of that. I learned that I can do whatever I put my mind to. Yes, there will be bad days, weeks, and months, but I can’t give up and stop doing this. I can’t sit and think about what people think about me. I can’t sit and be sorry for myself when things don’t go exactly how I planned. If things would have gone to plan like I envisioned, I would be to my goal weight by now. Instead, I’ve started over a couple times and am at the 10lbs lost mark once again. Why aren’t I more excited about that? Is it that fear again coming in saying, “well you’re just gonna gain it back again… So why say anything at all?” I will not think that. I can not think that. I will not let myself not be happy for myself, because damn it, I’m still on this journey and there is no way I’m stopping now.

The whole going back to college was a whole other category in this wheel of fear. What’s going to happen if I go back? Will I be able to handle the work load? Will I even find a job in that field? I mean, I haven’t found much in the field I’m in now! What happens if I fail? I can not let this fear dictate my life. It needs to end. I can’t be afraid of my dreams. So I’m glad I put on my big girl panties and took that step and applied.

I feel that a lot of people in the world today have a lot more fear than before. Fear that cripples them from being the individuals they’re meant to be. Fear of failure. Fear of commitment. Fear of losing people they love. Fear of saying the wrong thing. Just all around fear.

I guess the fear that is here today for me is for something I have absolutely no expertise in. I know I’ve said in other blog posts that I want to find someone. I want to be happy. I want that dream wedding someday. I want to start a family someday. The fear that comes with dating people though is having to put yourself out there. I’ve put myself out there numerous times before. The sad thing is that after I say my feelings, I end up getting burned. So there is that fear again. Why do I want to open up to people, just to have it thrown back at me? Isn’t that the whole point of meeting new people though? Putting yourself out there so you can build on that information and create relationships? Why is it that I want to be happy with someone, but when the thought of “oh crap, I could be happy with this person, gotta run away now!” Comes to my head and I just want to throw in the towel and quit while I’m ahead? I don’t want to place the blame on people in my past, but it’s hard not to feel that I’m like this because of those past experiences. 

Life is scary. Bad stuff happens, but there is a lot of good that happens with that as well. We can’t let fear dictate how we live. We can’t be in constant fear of what might not even happen. As a friend said to me, “the worst part of putting yourself out there is heartbreak.” The other side of that is putting yourself out there and finding something truly worth all of the crazy overthinking; Happiness.

So from here on out, I’m going to just let whatever happens happen. I’m not going to over think or imagine outcomes. I’m going to live in the moment and be happy where I am right now. I’m not going to be afraid of the unknown. Anything can happen. I won’t let fear dictate my life or my happiness. 

Until next time,

Aubrie

Dreams.

Hello friends. I’ve done it again… I’ve stopped writing. Life has been pretty hectic lately. Things are in a constant state of commotion lately, and I haven’t really stopped to just breathe. The past couple of weekends have been non-stop. I work all week so I end up saving everything I normally need to get done during the week for Saturday and Sunday. The worst is when I need to work on Saturday, then everything gets piled on Sunday. Last weekend I went out with great friends. We went to four different bars and by the end of the night, I was definitely feeling the alcohol. The next day was spent sleeping, going to play bingo (told a friend I’d go so I was keeping a promise), and sleeping some more. The day after that is when the hangover finally hit. I felt miserable. So again another day of doing nothing but busy work and resting. 

On top of everything that went on… I haven’t even gotten to the gym in over 2 weeks. The first week I didn’t go, it was my TOM so I physically and emotionally didn’t want to be around people if I didn’t have to be. The day after it was done, I was moving product around at work, and ended up doing something to my Achilles. Going up and down the step ladder after a couple weeks running at the gym… My body was just tired and strained. So I didn’t go to the gym for another week. This past Thursday, I finally decided I needed to get it check out, because it wasn’t feeling any better yet. Went to my doctor and she kept throwing “tendinitis” around and told me she’s fairly positive I did in fact do something to it. She wrapped it and told me to “rest”. She did say I could still go to the gym and use the elliptical and stationary bike, but I’ve been so scared I’ll do something worse to it. Luckily a friend told me that I should be fine, so I’m hoping to get back there tomorrow. 

The nurse on Thursday also had me take a depression test. Honestly, I knew deep down that I have some form of depression. It runs in my family, and lately I’ve just not been happy with how my life is going. There’s times where I’m starting to like who I’m becoming and what I’m doing and then something happens and it all just falls apart. For the past few months, I’ve been toying with the idea of going back to college. What I’m doing with my life right now is not making me happy. I’m going to be 26 in a couple months and I feel like I’ve made no progress and I’ve gotten no where. A lot of my day is spent dreaming. Dreaming of the life I could have had if I would have given a damn about myself in the past. I also dream about what life could be if I start caring right now. It’s not too late. I’m still young. A lot of it I think is the fear of failing. What happens if I decide to go back to college and I either can’t handle it or I end up hating what I’m doing, just like the last time? The same could be though, what if I succeed and I love it? Why does fear outweigh positive thinking? I wish I knew the answers, but I sadly don’t. Really though, does anyone hold the key to this mystery? When I got the results from the nurse, it came back as “mild depression”. I didn’t say anything to my dr. about it when she saw me, just because I thought, I don’t want there to be one more thing wrong with me. Talking to my best friend though, she told me not to be ashamed about it. I’m realizing more and more that I really shouldn’t be ashamed. 

I’m sitting here today, thinking more about my dreams. Where I would love to see myself in the future and what I would be happy doing. 

  
We really are never too old to dream, and when you really think about it, we really are never to old to take ahold of that dream and pursue it either. 

Weigh-In Day.

Howdy friends!

So for starters… drum rol..

whoohoo!!!!

Brings my total since the beginning to 9.2 lbs lost. Hey, I’ll take it! I’m only moving forward from here, not looking back!

What else am I doing today… well I’m planning out my menu (Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, AM Snack, PM Snack) today in my new calendar book I got. This is actually pretty fun! After I finish this I’m going to dust and get some stuff done. Then I gotta do some “last-minute-get-outside-because-this-is-one-of-the-last-warm-days-we’re-going-to-get-before-it-snows-and-gets-cold-outside” stuff.

Ready… BREAK!

Vacation!

Well vacation was a total success!

At first when we got there and I was driving us through the insanely crazy streets of Chicago at 11:50pm, I was having huge doubts… I’m in no way a city gal. I like the peace and quiet of small cities and towns. I was out of my element and really just wanted to be back home. The next day though, I started to warm up to the windy city and by the time it was time to go home, I was actually kind of sad to be leaving. Best part of the whole trip was I made it over 10K steps each day!! Thank God too, because we ate out every meal… yikes.

All in all though, it was a very worth while trip. I’ve always wanted to visit, and so I’m very glad it finally happened. Another item crossed off my bucket list!

I will most definitely have to post some pictures on here, but that will have to be another blog post.

Goodnight!