Fear.

So remember in my last post I said that I had some exciting news?! Yeah, well that was…

I had a first date yesterday.
Whoa! Say what?! Yeah! Does anyone else feel so awkward towards first dates? My Fitbit said I was up to 130 beats! Holy moly! I was definitely feeling all kinds of nerves…

I was a little nervous to even write a blog post on this topic today… Fear. The fear of failing. The fear of putting yourself out there into the unknown. Along with being a total hypochondriac, I am also a worry full, anxiety stricken, over thinking individual. When anything happens in my life, I analyze the crap out of it. When I started my weight loss journey for example, I sat and figured out all the ways I could fail. I could let myself down. What happens if I give up? What will people think of me? Honestly those thoughts could go on forever and ever… They really bring a person down. Luckily, I got past all of that. I learned that I can do whatever I put my mind to. Yes, there will be bad days, weeks, and months, but I can’t give up and stop doing this. I can’t sit and think about what people think about me. I can’t sit and be sorry for myself when things don’t go exactly how I planned. If things would have gone to plan like I envisioned, I would be to my goal weight by now. Instead, I’ve started over a couple times and am at the 10lbs lost mark once again. Why aren’t I more excited about that? Is it that fear again coming in saying, “well you’re just gonna gain it back again… So why say anything at all?” I will not think that. I can not think that. I will not let myself not be happy for myself, because damn it, I’m still on this journey and there is no way I’m stopping now.

The whole going back to college was a whole other category in this wheel of fear. What’s going to happen if I go back? Will I be able to handle the work load? Will I even find a job in that field? I mean, I haven’t found much in the field I’m in now! What happens if I fail? I can not let this fear dictate my life. It needs to end. I can’t be afraid of my dreams. So I’m glad I put on my big girl panties and took that step and applied.

I feel that a lot of people in the world today have a lot more fear than before. Fear that cripples them from being the individuals they’re meant to be. Fear of failure. Fear of commitment. Fear of losing people they love. Fear of saying the wrong thing. Just all around fear.

I guess the fear that is here today for me is for something I have absolutely no expertise in. I know I’ve said in other blog posts that I want to find someone. I want to be happy. I want that dream wedding someday. I want to start a family someday. The fear that comes with dating people though is having to put yourself out there. I’ve put myself out there numerous times before. The sad thing is that after I say my feelings, I end up getting burned. So there is that fear again. Why do I want to open up to people, just to have it thrown back at me? Isn’t that the whole point of meeting new people though? Putting yourself out there so you can build on that information and create relationships? Why is it that I want to be happy with someone, but when the thought of “oh crap, I could be happy with this person, gotta run away now!” Comes to my head and I just want to throw in the towel and quit while I’m ahead? I don’t want to place the blame on people in my past, but it’s hard not to feel that I’m like this because of those past experiences. 

Life is scary. Bad stuff happens, but there is a lot of good that happens with that as well. We can’t let fear dictate how we live. We can’t be in constant fear of what might not even happen. As a friend said to me, “the worst part of putting yourself out there is heartbreak.” The other side of that is putting yourself out there and finding something truly worth all of the crazy overthinking; Happiness.

So from here on out, I’m going to just let whatever happens happen. I’m not going to over think or imagine outcomes. I’m going to live in the moment and be happy where I am right now. I’m not going to be afraid of the unknown. Anything can happen. I won’t let fear dictate my life or my happiness. 

Until next time,

Aubrie